Muru, by Weronika

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So what do you want to know about me?, do you want to know the story of how I smoked dak and ended up a schizophrenic, or maybe the chapter in my life that tells you how I loved to get pissed and spew my ring hole the next day and wake up with a blank mind of the events the night before, ormaybe how I met a person, who fell in love with me; even though I was living In a fantasy world, of evil, hate and feared the dark at 22. Maybe you want to know my childhood and how I had amazing parents who loved and cared for me, but all I can remember is being raped. Maybe thats what you need to know, so that you will make your own passages to a new way.

Things are good here at the moment, just kiken with the broz not a care in the world. Sounds playen warren GThis shit is my kind of heaven. Smoking the weed the brother just brought around. He didnt wanna smoke at the other brothers.reckons too many lungs there. So here we are getting wakt. Shit I love weed!! The buzz is starting to kik inFuck this is a new buzz, I feel like everything is going fast, shit calm down I tell myself dont wanna look like a beginner smoker in front of the bro. You algood he asks yeah bro mean as weed, what is it? Its skunky sis, straight from the old mans stash in the shed, rolled up in the foils, all ready for us to smoke. Mean broWhat the fuck is this stuff; its taking me to a whole new level. I can feel myself floating and shit, woah everythings spinningI can feel the sounds in my body, my senses are heightened and shit..I need to spew

Fuck 2 days no sleep what the hell is going on with meI can feel myself starting to lose it, that weed was out of it. But was it that weed coz I went and had a sesh at the sisters house straight after, was it that weed?. Please god let me sleep, asking god for help now. I cant even remember what I did today..things are blurry, come on let me fucken sleep.

What?….no ones in here, who is that?, what the hell is going on, are you in my head, why can I hear you?, why are you screaming?, stop it please?….There are too many of you talking at the same time please. What was that?…Why am I sitting up in my bed and my eyes are huge? Who said that?…please stop, please go away, please, please god whats happening to me. Please Im a good person you know I am. Why can I hear all of these people. Please stop screaming. I bang my head trying to make it stop, I cover my ears hoping to shut it out.

It goes no where and it gets worse, the voices become so loud, I can hear them when music is playing, I can hear them when people talk to me. I feel like a psychoIts not only the voices now, Im starting to see shit. Like watching movies in my head. Every time I try to focus on something else, they replay and repeat. Its like being in a horror movie, Im seeing evil, am I evil? Am I possessed by something?

Day 3 and I cant hold it in anymore, Im talking to myself telling the voices to go away, Ive tried everything, negotiating, screaming back, crying all the time, praying, pleading with them. Its like Im inside living in my head and I cant get out. The screaming hasnt stopped. She has been screaming for 3 days straight, hes nutting out at me, shes trying to be nice but then gets nasty. He blames me for everything. They keep singing scarey songs. She keeps chasing me in my head and everytime I try to escape she stabs me, and makes sure Im alive enough to watch her kill my family. The one voice that sounds like he is trying to help me, is demanding me to kill myself so that it will end. Im being told I done something wrong, Im getting told no one can help me, kill myself do it, save your family from your evil.

Schizophrenia_by_xx_porcelainSo thats just what I did! Killed myself, and here I am nowstill trying to sort out the puzzle. No one was here when I died, not even my Koro who I have known my entire life would wait for me here inI suppose in the place of the dead. I went to my funeral and had to watch my parents cry and scream as my body got put into the ground. Before I jumped from the roof with the rope around my neck I saw my mumrunning from the bottom of the house. It would have taken her at least 35 minutes, I was fit and it took me 25 minutes everyday to sprint up that hill. I knew she wouldnt catch meI had hoped no one would have seen me. But she did, I didnt think about how they would feel if they saw me kill myself, I didnt even remember that from the driveway you see straight into the shed. I didnt care I thinkAll I cared about was getting rid of the voices. Saving them from my evil, being selfish because I smoked weed and went psycho.

Over the past week I learned a lot, I found out the weed I had been smoking had been spun or mixed with methenphetimine, tests were done and I tested positive for P and weed. Now all of my family believe I was a P user. Which is so not true, I was against the shit!. I only smoked weed, strictlyI smoked that almost everyday for four years. I suppose that contributed to me losing the plot.

So my extended family are now blaming my parents for me killing myself. Asking them why they didnt notice that I had issues and how could they have not recognised I was a drug addict.

Im so mad! I started smoking weed when my friends started toIt was a casual thing that turned into a passion. I started losing weight, feeling good about myself, so I kept doing it, I knew how much shit Id get into if my olds found out. They were against any form of drugI even bought clear eyes to hide it, and would come home really late so I wouldnt bump into them on my way to bed.

Now the family are blaming them,look at them! Theyre broken heartedand I did this. No one else just me I lived those last four years of my life lyinglying to what? Not get caught? Lying to protect my parents from the disappointment theyd have towards me? Lied because I loved weed so much I stopped caring about everything else in my life that mattered. Like my sisterslike my familylied so that I started to believe my liesnow look Im dead, I cant help anyone, I cant tell the truth for when it matters mostThe time I want to stop the lie I cant. I feel useless, all I do is cry and hug my parents and sisters, but they dont know. They stare at photos of me and I have to watch their tear drops fallIve been dead four days and all they do is cry. I want to tell them Im okbut I cant. My baby sister sings the song we wrote together and screams at the top of her lungs, screaming my name. My dad has to grab her so she stops punching things. My dad criesmy dad, a mans mancryingtelling my baby sister its going to be ok. My mum is in the other room sitting on the bed, she looks like she has no soul, cryingwhen dad talks to her she never answers just sits there and criesholding onto a hoodie that I loved with all of my heart.

Not as close to how much I love them. Why did I do this?…why couldnt I have left school and carried on with my dreams and my wishes. Why couldnt I have continued with my studies and become a teacherwhy am I here having to watch this.

The phone rings, I press my ear to the phone and my dad says Ill be right there. He runs to the room and tells my mum that my older sister has been in a car crash, we arrive and my sisters not moving shes in the ambulance and they assure us they will do the best they can. I over hear a policemen saying that she reeks of alcohol, what the fuck? She never drinks and drives, she barley drinks.

All of a sudden Im at my graveits my older sister, sitting there with a whole bottle of jim beam and a box of 18s. Your not here for my birthday, mum and dad arent here for my birthday, there too busy trying to get over you killing yourself, you! You selfish bitch! Did I mean nothing to you?, did we mean nothing to you?, youve made our little sister turn into a psycho! Youve killed our parents they may as well be here, buried next to you. You did this, you selfish piece of fucken shit! So guess what? Happy birthday to mehappy birthday to me, happy birthday to youand happy fucken birthday too meee.

I bet you didnt even think about it being my birthday?would you have waited? Oh well who cares, a shot for meand a shot for you!! Bottoms up sis!!

I screamstop it, get me out of here

I puta mai au

I was sent to a place with two doors, one saidto watch and re-live for eternity the pain your family goes through or a passage to a new way

I am glad I chose to stay and live, to fight the voices, I dont hear them anymorebut I do suffer from depression, I met an amazing man that loves me and saw the real me. Helped me to heal, we now have four babies together and Im trying to educate young people about what smoking drugs can doI did try to kill myself many of timesmy mum saved me and my dad never gave up. My sisters and I, talk laugh and drink together, soba d always or a taxi if we have to.

I livedand Im livingthis story is what I believe may have happened if I had not been saved

The other parts of my life are different storiesI just hope and pray that you will still be around to read themmy passage to a new way, maybe your passage to a new understanding.

Weronika

Schizophrenia Art Courtesy:http://i891.photobucket.com/albums/ac113/rhonda_074/stuff/Schizophrenia_by_xx_porcelain.jpg

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If you need to talk to someone:

Suicide Prevention Helpline
0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)

Lifeline
0800 543354

Youthline
0800 376 633
or free text234

Samaritans
0800 726 666 (Lower North Island, Christchurch & West Coast)
0800 211 211 (other regions)

2 COMMENTS

  1. wow powerful story! I also have concerns about legal highs and have seen first hand the devastation this stuff can bring. It is horrible and is so easily accessible. Our government needs to do more to protect our youth from this poison.

  2. This is a touching story, and it shows that we need to have legalisation of marijuana. “What?” I hear you cry. “This should show you he evils of drugs, not try and get you to legalise them”
    but if there was government controls in place, like there are for dexamphetamines and other prescribed drugs, on marijuana then she wouldn’t have been smoking laced stuff. it would be in a sealed packet, coming straight from a government sanctioned farm to the shop. Also, the poor girl wouldn’t have had to hide her usage from her whanau, instead she would be able to have a sesh while they have a beer, without feeling like a criminal.

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